Understanding Neurodivergence: A “Fish Out of Water” in School and Family SystemsWhen I screen for neurodivergence—whether it’s ADHD, ASD, or related conditions—I often frame it as a mismatch between an individual and the systems they’re navigating, like school or family, especially in their younger years. It’s a classic “fish out of water” or a “Mac in a Microsoft world” scenario: the environment isn’t wrong, and neither is the individual—it’s the lack of alignment that creates challenges.
I break this mismatch down into three key domains of maladaptation. When someone shows extreme traits in these areas, it can signal neurodivergence, often accompanied by secondary issues like anxiety. Let’s explore these domains and what they mean for understanding and supporting neurodivergent individuals.
Domain 1: Thinking-Biased vs. Feeling-Biased
The first domain looks at how someone processes the world—are they more “thinking-biased” or “feeling-biased”? A thinking-biased individual leans heavily on objective, logical variables, while a feeling-biased person prioritizes emotional, values or relational cues.
If someone’s balance is fairly even—say, 50:50, 40:60, or even 30:70—they’re likely to adapt well to most environments. But when the split becomes extreme, like 90:10 in either direction, adjustment issues can arise. For example, a highly thinking-biased child might struggle to connect emotionally in a family or school setting that values social harmony over logic. This tension can lead to feelings of isolation, frustration, or being misunderstood—a hallmark of the “fish out of water” experience.
Domain 2: Tactical, Operational, or Strategic Orientation
The second domain focuses on how someone approaches tasks and goals: are they tactical, operational, or strategic? In early childhood, schools and parents often emphasize operational skills—getting everyday tasks done, like completing homework or following routines. This operational focus aligns with societal expectations for young kids.
But if a child is wired to be more tactical (focused on immediate, practical actions) or strategic (big-picture, long-term thinking), they might struggle with the operational demands of school and family life. For instance, a strategic thinker might excel at envisioning creative projects but flounder when it comes to the daily grind of assignments. These blind spots can create tension, leading to feelings of inadequacy or conflict with authority figures who prioritize “getting things done.”
Domain 3: Inner-Compass vs. Outer-Compass Orientation
The third domain examines whether someone is guided by an inner compass or an outer compass. An outer-compass orientation means prioritizing what works for others—pleasing teachers, parents, or peers. An inner-compass orientation, on the other hand, is about staying true to one’s own values and thinking, even if it clashes with external expectations.
In early years, schools and families tend to reward outer-compass behavior: following rules, meeting expectations, and fitting in. A child with a strong inner compass—who insists on doing things their own way—might struggle to adapt, leading to friction. They may feel like they’re constantly swimming against the current, unable to meet the external demands placed on them.
When Extremes Collide: The Neurodivergence Connection
When someone is extreme in all three domains—highly thinking-biased, tactically/strategically oriented, and inner-compass driven—the mismatch with traditional systems can be profound. This is where adjustment challenges peak, often manifesting as anxiety, which only complicates the picture further. The “fish out of water” metaphor becomes painfully real: they’re not thriving, but it’s not their fault, nor is it the fault of the environment—it’s the mismatch that’s the issue.
Based on my observations:
• Extreme in all three domains: I’d be highly suspicious of ADHD or ASD, with secondary anxiety due to the intense adjustment struggles.
• Extreme in Domains 1 and 3 (thinking-biased and inner-compass): This often points toward ASD, where logical processing and self-directed behavior dominate, sometimes at the expense of social connection.
• Extreme in Domains 2 and 3 (strategic/tactical and inner-compass), with clear maladaptations: This leans more toward ADHD, with nuances depending on the subtype (e.g., inattentive, hyperactive-impulsive, or combined).
The “Fish Out of Water” Struggle: A Path Forward
For neurodivergent individuals, this mismatch can feel like a constant battle. But understanding the root cause is the first step toward empowerment. It’s not about “fixing” the person or the environment—it’s about finding or creating the right fit.
Here’s the strategy I recommend:
1. Understanding: Recognize how these domains play out in your (or your child’s) life. Awareness is key for both acceptance and to navigating challenges.
2. Self-Acceptance: Embrace your unique wiring.
3. Maintaining Self-Worth: Don’t let societal expectations erode your sense of value. You’re not failing; you’re just in an environment that doesn’t suit your strengths.
4. Seek or Create the Right Environment: Look for spaces—whether at school, work, or in your community—that align with your natural tendencies. This might mean finding supportive social circles, or exploring new settings that feel more congruent and more like “home.”
A Final Thought:
The “fish out of water” experience isn’t a flaw—it’s a signal. By understanding these three domains, we can better support neurodivergent individuals, helping them find environments where they can thrive. Whether it’s advocating for more flexible school systems, fostering self-acceptance, or seeking out spaces that celebrate their unique strengths, the goal is to bridge the gap between the fish and the water. Because when the environment fits, that fish can swim and thrive!